Good morning Friend,
So yeah by God’s Grace, we will be wrapping up the series we began a couple of weeks ago on “Relationship Sacred Cows You Must Kill”.
We first shared on those who believe that the closer they are with someone, the lesser the chances of they ever going into a relationship. I believe we did some justice to that sacred cow. If you haven’t read that please do. We went ahead to debunk the idea that people often have about conflicts and issues in relationships. Many believe that the more the issues they have, the closer they get to their spouses thereby unconsciously tolerating festering issues which may eventually harm the relationship.
Today we will consider the sacred cow that says “I need someone who complements me” as we wrap up on this series.
What we often find out there are people who are looking for someone that suits their need and fulfils their desires and wishes and quite frankly, this is the bedrock of the frustration that people face when it comes to finding the right partner. The moment our focus and priorities are wrong, our results and conclusions will be wrong. It’s like heading west and hoping to arrive in the north. Once the focus of attention is on us, we simply cannot be fulfilled in any Relationship we find ourselves… I don’t care how awesome that spouse is.
Imagine for a minute if God was overly self consumed and was saying something like “I need a people who would love me, who would worship me, who would be holy and simply just serve with me all their heart”… If this was His paradigm, Jesus would never have come to the earth to die for us. His focus was on our need, and not His desires. Love puts others first… And that’s exactly what Jesus did. He put us first. Then when we received His love, we then learned to return the favour by loving Him right back. If ever before we had the capacity to give Him back some love, He was already demanding it… Then what we have is The Law… Which has no capacity to give power to please God. So no matter how hard we tried, we would always fall short. This is what you set your spouse up to do whenever you pitch him/her against your own expectations and desires before choosing to love them.
You must learn to love your spouse and give him/her all the love he/she needs before you have the right to demand for it. Also, have in mind that love puts others first, it doesn’t eliminate self. So it doesn’t mean you simply have no expectation for yourself and what you desire in the relationship, it only means your priority is the other person. When this is our paradigm, then we would have statements more like “I need someone I can share my love with.. someone who can receive all I have to give…” That’s the love paradigm. Cos as long as you “need” someone to give you and the other person also “needs” someone to give him/her, when both of you meet, and you’re both trying to collect something neither of you had in mind to give.. then we have conflicts.
Imagine a dude and a lady walk into a room, each with a half filled glass of water and they both “need” it to get full by the other party… Who gets filled in the end? Neither! And that births frustration and disappointments. Both came “needing” something, so their cups were half empty, and neither was willing to satisfy the other because the priority was on themselves.
Now imagine again another scenario where both come in, each with a full glass of water willing and intending to give the other. Since they are not need conscious instead supply conscious and supply ready, they will come with a glass full… If both of them have such a mindset, what happens is that both will simply exchange their cups and in the end, both are still each with a full cup of water.
Remember I do not mean that you eliminate yourself by having no expectation of your spouse, and all you do is give and give with no expectation or reciprocity. That will hurt you and lead to bitterness in many cases. Even God expects us to love Him in return, only that He loved us first.
1 John 4:19 (KJV): We love Him, because He first loved us.
Not that He just loves us and dassol! Naa… He loved us first and then He expects us to love Him right back with all our heart and soul and strength. We are empowered to love Him because we see the extent of His own firstly demonstrated love for us.
I do hope you understand the gist of the matter. You ought to have expectations, but it shouldn’t be your priority, else you will ultimately find somebody exactly like you, who is also looking for somebody to suck dry and empty of his/her cup… Usually in the end, because of the tussles and duel to get the other person’s water, some of the water spills, at times both glasses get broken and many times, both leave the scene with no water, no glass and no partner.
Selfishness and pride are the greatest causes of failed relationships. Yes statistics say the top three causes are Money, Religion and Kids… But all those are only areas where selfishness and pride manifest. The root causes of all Relationship Issues are Pride and Selfishness which are pretty much the same thing. If we are able to tackle these from the outset, we are poised to have a very beautiful and romantic relationship.
One last thought; Relationship wasn’t designed to serve you, it was designed to make you more like Christ. That is why Marriage is a typology to illustrate Christ’s relationship with His Bride; The Church. Don’t be mistaken my dear… God will make sure, if you allow Him, that you spend the rest of your life with someone who will give you enough room to become more like Christ in patience, virtue and character and not someone who will simply satisfy all your personal desires.
Yeah I know these are not the mainstream teachings about relationship. We most often hear things like we should look for Physical, Social, Emotional and Spiritual compatibility, look for someone that complements you and all that… This post doesn’t render them invalid, it only seeks to make priority, the other person and not your own needs.
We have come to the end of this series… I hope you picked up a few lessons to apply in your own relationship. God bless your heart. I love you.